how are you doing?

this is a question we hear a lot these days...how are you doing?

how do i answer that?

i have felt so much love and concern and friendship from so many people. my siblings all came in for the funeral, my mom and dad stayed far longer than they thought they would, a friend volunteered her house for my siblings and their children to stay in, my children have never received so many gifts of clothing and shoes... our ward family has rallied around us and made meals, they are taking turns spending time with us during the day, family and friends have sent us money to help us pay for expenses from the funeral and hospital bills, i have received beautiful gifts to help me remember Christian...my children have received gifts from friends to help them feel loved and special.....and countless people have been and are praying for our family.

i have never felt so much love in my life.  it is amazing. i wish the circumstances were different.  i wish that my baby was here with me so i could hold him and love him and take care of him.  but i know where he is, i know he is safe, and well and he does not hurt.  i know he is with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. and that our family can be together again some day.  i cannot imagine going through this most difficult time in my life without knowing that those things are true.  if you want to learn more about these truths you can go here or here or ask me:)

so in answer to the question, "are you okay?"...

we are okay. we are doing the best we can.  do i cry a lot still? everyday.  do i laugh and play with my children? everyday.  do i think about christian? every hour of everyday.  this is going to take time.  i know that. i am embracing that.  my family has all gone home (i am so grateful for you guys), kendall stayed home today with us to spend time with just us.  he goes to work tomorrow and the kids and i will spend some time with wonderful people in our ward who want to care for us right now.  we are so blessed.  we are so blessed to have kendall's family close by as well.  we are as okay as anyone would be considering our circumstances.

in the sacrament meeting that was the Sunday after Christian's funeral, a man in our ward spoke and referenced his sister's blog and how she wrote something very poignant about the Provo Tabernacle and how it will be turned into a temple...both Kendall and I were touched by what she said...(to read the entire blog post, go here)

"without devastation or change or difficulty, we could just sail along the same way we always have. That Tabernacle could have gone on for decades yet to come as simply the beautiful Tabernacle it was. And so, in these times of re-evaluation, of creativity, of listening more intently, of being open to things that were never before even considered, we often find the greatest miracles.  It is when we look at how to rebuild, that often the plans for rebuilding create something much more incredible than we started with. There are so many times when He who knows us perfectly sees what we have the power to become when we ourselves cannot see it and are happy to continue the way we are.

When life burns down a Tabernacle, God rebuilds a temple."

our hope is that we can come out of this devastation as stronger individuals and a stronger family.

(***this doesn't mean i want people to stop asking how i am, i don't, i love that you care and i will answer that question as many times as you want to ask it! )