6.19.2012

up way too late...

i am up way too late...actually it's not SUPER late, but it is almost 1 am...but for some reason i feel compelled to write at weird late hours of night.

we just got back from a trip, kendall and I.  we went to VA beach and WA DC.  it was AWESOME! pictures are forthcoming, but you know i took about 160 or so, so i'll hit the highlights when i share those. but it was a super fun trip and i am so glad we had such supportive family here that could take care of our kiddos for us.  they made it possible for us to go!!!  thank you family!

i just got my "new" family pictures up on the wall. Yes, Alacey, they are up now!!!!  yeah, we've had them for months, but honestly i just didn't feel up to putting them up.  i just couldn't do it.  it was hard for me to put up the beautiful picture we have of Christian (thank you Arian!) and know i will never change it out for one of him when he's older.  i just couldn't face it.  and now i have faced it, and i see it on the wall, and i love that picture, i love that boy. i miss him so much.  Monday 18th was his 10 month birthday, it's been 8 months since he passed away.  it seems like a whole other life.  it honestly does.  i can't explain it.  i feel like a different person.  when something like this happens, you are forever changed.  my reactions to situations are different, my thought processes are different.  how i view my family is different.  i will always think of him, everyday, and that's a good thing.  i will always miss him.  i will always have a whole in my heart where he would be daily with us but he's not.  i feel him around us, but i just wish i could hold him.  this grief is hard and heavy sometimes.  i am so lucky to have such a wonderful family, to have a husband who is kind and patient and loving and children who are literally the reason i get up in the morning.  who give me hugs and loves and want me around them.  in some ways i feel like i am healing but at the same time i know this isn't something i'm going to "get over" or "move on from." and i don't want to.  i don't want to wallow in self-pity and sadness either but these experiences we've had have shaped us and we are different than we would have been.  I guess i just want to say, thanks for still loving the "new" me, scars and all.

hopefully soon i'll share (a fraction) of the pictures from our adventures on the East Coast:)

6 comments:

mmhamblin said...

Love you Jen. I can't wait to see the vacation pictures!

Lacey said...

I am so happy you had such a great vacation! I can't wait to see pictures too! I am also so happy you got your family pictures on the wall. They are so beautiful of you guys! Love you!

Audrey said...

I love your thoughts on Christian. I often wonder what you're thinking about in regards to him and it's wonderful to know that most days are good and you are healing. What a blessing to feel his presence around you.
I'm so glad you two were able to go on a fun trip. Yay for vacations with your husband!!!

Cari.Ryan said...

Jen, you always put your thoughts down so beautifully! It's interesting because when you write, I feel like you are taking parts of what I'm feeling right out of me and describing it so eloquently. Loss does change a person, more than I ever thought it would. It seems to really shed light on what matters and what is really important!

Liz Taylor said...

I know exactly how you feel about the pictures. Each year when I switch out the other kids school pictures, I can't help wondering what Claire would look like this year and how much different our lives would be if she was still here.

Newitts said...

Hi Jen. I appreciated your thoughts very much. I have learned that the hole is a sacred space, though it aches, is also preserves and protects the love so that it will blossom full force with you when your entire family is in your arms again.