checking in

Life marches on. this we know.  I can hardly believe that Camryn is 3.5 months old.  It baffles me how time is flying... Ethan will be 8 this year, which means he'll be baptized. I have to daily remind myself that Avery is actually 5.5 years old not 4.5 as she seems to be frozen in my mind.  They are all growing up. And that is a good thing.  But it just seems to happen so fast.  I feel contemplative lately, I start feeling this way a lot at night, probably because it's quiet:) (it is night time as i write this:)  Also I have been following along this family's journey on Facebook.  Their son passed away at age 10, last Saturday.  They knew it was coming, but it is still the hardest thing they will ever do. I really believe that. I don't think there is much harder than dealing with the death of your own child.  I asked my dad that when my parents were here after Christian's funeral (my parents have a child that passed away, my brother Micah).  I asked him if there was anything harder than this.  He said no.  I believe him.

Having a new baby is awesome, tiring, beautiful, healing and hard.  I don't know what I thought it would be like to have Camryn so close to Christian.  I actually don't think I thought much about the logistics because quite honestly, I just needed to take things as they came and not stress about it (this is still true).  Camryn was born on Christian's 15 month birthday.  33 minutes into the 18th...they are birthday buddies.  I am convinced that they are good friends.  I just have a feeling about it.  For our family it was the right decision to have Camryn when we did. It wouldn't be right for another family maybe, but I knew that she was essential for me.  She was a lifeline.  But all the hormones and worries and fears of being pregnant and then having a brand new person are hard, especially when you are still grieving/trying to figure out how to grieve with this new dimension thrown, lovingly,  in.  We are navigating these waters as best we can. One day at a time.

As I care for Camryn, of course I think of Christian. How much we miss him, everyday, all day long.  How things might be different if he were still here.  Everything would be different if he were still here.  But I also can feel how I am healing.  At least a little bit. In some ways I feel like to heal would be to forget, but it doesn't have to be that way. And I will make sure that healing isn't forgetting in our home.  Healing is healthy and healing will be remembering and honoring our Christian who isn't here.  But he is here with us in spirit.

I just wanted to get some of my thoughts and feelings down...I have written many blog posts in my mind, but they haven't made it onto the computer yet:)

1 comment:

Cari Florence said...

It's normal to still think of Christian every single day. He is very much a part of your family, and really the last person who was with Camryn before she came here. I always think about that. When I have another baby, Brycen will have been the last person my baby saw before coming here with us. And even still, at times they will see their big brother here on earth too. It's beautiful to think about!