today is Christian's 5 month birthday. i thought i'd write a letter to him...
As I sit here writing this, your brothers and sister are listening to music and having a dance party in the living room. And my heart feels heavy as I think of you and how I won't be able to watch you do the same. I miss you every day, sweet boy, with every heartbeat. This grief that I feel is large, big, sometimes I wish I could just hide under my blankets or close the door and not face the day. But I can't, I have three other small people here who need a mother. And that is wonderful, because being up and caring for them has helped me not be reclusive, they are showing me how to heal. I am just slower than they are at it. We love you Christian, we say goodnight to you every night, you are in every prayer...Avery asked me the other day why you had to leave us. And we both cried as we talked about it...again. Sometimes I feel like asking the same question, but for Ethan, Avery and Blake I have to be strong, the one with the answers. These are some things I know, since you have left us...Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses very personally. This situation was not something I ever dreamed of having to handle. But somehow, with lots of prayer, I am able to get through the days. I know that you didn't come to our family so briefly to break us, or make us fall apart, but to bring us together. You have done that for us Christian, for a lot of members of our family and friends, helped us realize how precious, sweet and brief life can be. I worry sometimes that as I heal, I will forget the way you were learning to smile, the way you smelled, the courage and love that you showed us. But then I look at your pictures, I remember how much your siblings love you and doted on you while you were here, how everyone felt your large spirit, and I know I won't forget. This is hard, baby, but we can be together again. I look forward to that day very much. But I won't wish away the time I have here...you taught us that.
We love you and we miss you. Please know that. You are very much a part of our day, as I give three baths, and think of the fourth, or feed three children and think of you...take three children to the park and count them...and know in my heart that there are four. On the 11th (the anniversary of the day you left us) we were at a store and a lady was in front of us. She turned around and watched your brothers and sister, talking, laughing--being cute, and she smiled and said,"they are so cute, they remind me of my family growing up. My mom had four little ones...you are just missing one." I smiled and walked away, and said under my breath, "yes, we are missing one."
Thank you for being part of our family Christian. We love you to the moon and back...forever.
mom, dad, and your crazy wonderful siblings