1.18.2012

today is Christian's Birthday...

today is Christian's 5 month birthday. i thought i'd write a letter to him...

 Dearest Christian,

 As I sit here writing this, your brothers and sister are listening to music and having a dance party in the living room. And my heart feels heavy as I think of you and how I won't be able to watch you do the same. I miss you every day, sweet boy, with every heartbeat. This grief that I feel is large, big, sometimes I wish I could just hide under my blankets or close the door and not face the day. But I can't, I have three other small people here who need a mother. And that is wonderful, because being up and caring for them has helped me not be reclusive, they are showing me how to heal. I am just slower than they are at it. We love you Christian, we say goodnight to you every night, you are in every prayer...Avery asked me the other day why you had to leave us. And we both cried as we talked about it...again. Sometimes I feel like asking the same question, but for Ethan, Avery and Blake I have to be strong, the one with the answers. These are some things I know, since you have left us...Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses very personally. This situation was not something I ever dreamed of having to handle. But somehow, with lots of prayer, I am able to get through the days. I know that you didn't come to our family so briefly to break us, or make us fall apart, but to bring us together. You have done that for us Christian, for a lot of members of our family and friends, helped us realize how precious, sweet and brief life can be. I worry sometimes that as I heal, I will forget the way you were learning to smile, the way you smelled, the courage and love that you showed us. But then I look at your pictures, I remember how much your siblings love you and doted on you while you were here, how everyone felt your large spirit, and I know I won't forget. This is hard, baby, but we can be together again. I look forward to that day very much. But I won't wish away the time I have here...you taught us that.

 We love you and we miss you. Please know that. You are very much a part of our day, as I give three baths, and think of the fourth, or feed three children and think of you...take three children to the park and count them...and know in my heart that there are four. On the 11th (the anniversary of the day you left us) we were at a store and a lady was in front of us. She turned around and watched your brothers and sister, talking, laughing--being cute, and she smiled and said,"they are so cute, they remind me of my family growing up. My mom had four little ones...you are just missing one." I smiled and walked away, and said under my breath, "yes, we are missing one."

 Thank you for being part of our family Christian. We love you to the moon and back...forever.

 love,
mom, dad, and your crazy wonderful siblings

11 comments:

Ryan and Melissa said...

You are such a sweet mom. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. You are an example to me with your faith. Continue strong. Thank you for helping me keep my perspective today.

candace said...

I cried through this whole sweet letter, you are an amazing person and mother! you are a great example to me. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sew Much Ado said...

Oh Jen, you've been such an incredible example to me through all of this. I can't imagine what you've gone through, and I think about you and your sweet family often. Your children are all so lucky to have a woman like you for their mom.

Lacey said...

Oh Jen. I love you! I too cried through this post. I loved that you wrote about Christian not coming to earth to break you or tear you and your family apart. It's so true. For all of us we need to remember that trials are an opportunity to grow closer to our family and rely more on our Heavenly Father. It just seems unfair sometimes though.
YOu are such a great friend to me. Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important. I love you!

rachel said...

I said a prayer for you yesterday, that you could have the opportunity to have this burden be made lighter.
I felt that with every opportunity to have grief, anguish, and suffering, there is an equal opportunity for faith, God's Love and Peace. I hope you know your loved, very loved and thought of. I hope you all have the peace you need in the time you need it. Keep celebrating that sweet life and angel!

Cari.Ryan said...

Jen I love how you worded everything! It expressed so much of how I feel about Brycen. Sometimes it really stinks being the mom and the one who is strong and holding it together. Thank goodness for our other children though, for bringing joy into our lives and for showing complete faith in God. My prayers are with you and your family!

Arian said...

Golly, as if I don't cry enough these days. That truly was a beautiful letter to little Christian. I've thought about you a lot this last week for some reason. It still hurts my heart to think of all you have gone thru this last year. However, I'm thankful to see what an amazingly strong woman you are and that you have turned so much of this major trial in your life into a blessing for those around you. You are quite the example to me and to all that know you.

Melissa said...

Love you Jen.

Ilenia said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I loved every word. Big HUGS to you.

brit said...

Oh Jen, I had no idea. I haven't been writing or looking at blogs for months and months and just started to catch up. I am so sorry for your loss.

Annie said...

You and your family are in our prayers and thoughts daily...